Techno-romance tips for
your Valentine

If you think your sweetheart will be spending too much time in front of the computer this Valentine's Day, or if you just want to put a little zing in your love life, here's 10 Techno Love Tips you can follow to make the love of your life turn off the technology and turn on to you. 

Techno Romance Tip No. 1: 
Get your hands on a digital camera and snap a few pictures of yourself, or scan an existing flattering photo. It doesn't have to be naughty but it could be, as no embarrassing developing is required. Fire up a photo touchup program, such as Paintshop Pro, Corel Draw or Adobe Photoshop. Now make like a fashion magazine photo editor and let digital airbrushing bring out the best in you. For a quick fix, try applying a watercolour filter to your snapshot in Photoshop. Sign your name on the image, and voila! you have flawless beauty with a romantic touch. E-mail it to your loved one, or make your own card from a colour printout and hand deliver it. 

Techno Romance Tip No. 2: 
Write a poetic e-mail. Find a poem with your sweetheart's name in it and paste the poem, or the link to the Web page where the poem is posted, into an e-mail. There's a nice selection of love poems at http://www.netpoets.com. If you're creative, homespun poetry is always nice. If you need inspiration, check out the quotes and samples at http://www.lovingyou.com. You can also try the rhyming dictionary at http://www.writeexpress.com/online.html. This site provides great help for creating sexy limericks. "Romance," by the way, rhymes with trance and glance, but it (ahem) also rhymes with implants and sweatpants. Alternatively, a nicely wrapped book of romantic poetry by your lover's favorite author can be ordered online. Try Amazon.com. Do you have a song, "your" song? Head to http://www.mp3.com, search for the appropriate title, and send your sweetheart a moment of musical memories. Lyrics are lovely, too! 

Techno Romance Tip No. 3: 
Got a Webcam? This little gizmo can take a live video of you while you type on your computer. Whether your honey bunny is far away or only down the street, send a video valentine via e-mail. Install the camera (Intel and Connectix both have affordable cameras) and go to http://www.talkway.com. This Web site has a feature that will film you through your Webcam and send your honey an e-mail invitation to see your video message at talkway.com. Talkway also offers the weeCam, a mini video camera that works with its video mail system, that sells for about $75. 

Techno-Romance Tip No. 4: 
Be a desktop darling. If you have access to your lover's computer, you can put an image of yourself (or of both of you) on your sweetheart's desktop for the day. First, save the image to the hard drive. Then use the Start menu to go to Settings. Choose Control Panel and then Display settings (appearance, on Macs). Click Browse to locate the image. If you want to make your own screen saver or get one custom made, check out http://www.pchelpar.com/screensaver.htm or http://www.customsavers.com. Mac users can get a copy of Desktop Screen Saver from Carnation Software to make their own screen saver for a MacOS 8.5 or better system. For info, go to http://www.carnationsoftware.com. 

Techno-Romance Tip No. 5: 
Chances are that your sweetheart's rodent pad is wearing thin. Get thee to your local photo store and make one, putting your picture or your honey's pet name on it. Some computer and photo shops even offer mouse pads that you can slide a picture into. Online, you can upload an image and get custom-made mouse pads from http://www.my-mug.com for $10.95 US. 

Note: Cleaning the sludge out of your loved one's mouse, instead of complaining about it, shows that you really care. Or make a gift of the new sludge-free Intellisense mouse from those Microsofties at http://www.microsoft.com/mouse. It works without a roller ball so it won't pick up debris. Or buy it here.

Techno-Romance Tip No. 6: 
Speed is sexy. Please any sweetheart with a computer upgrade. If your lover is a Mac user, get the brand new MacOS 9 upgrade. For a Windows user, try Microsoft Windows 98 Second Edition. More memory is also always a welcome token of affection. Don't know what kind to buy? Get a Valentine e-coupon that entitles your sweetie to a gift certificate good toward anything at the computer store. 

Techno-Romance Tip No. 7: 
Sneaky but sexy: apply a wee bit of your perfume or cologne to your lover's headphones, mouse or keyboard. Pick just one, please! Make that special someone wonder all day: "Why can't I stop thinking about you?" Note: Don't overdo it, put just a smidge on a piece of tissue and apply gingerly. 

Techno-Romance Tip No. 8: 
Book a delightful evening or weekend at a bed and breakfast near you. Search for something dreamy at http://BBOnline.com. Book in advance during this busy B&B snuggle season. If that's not possible, send your sweetheart the Web address via e-mail and type sweet ASCII about the adventure that would have been. 

Techno-Romance Tip No. 9: 
Say it with flowers. Try fast and reliable http://www.ftd.com for that last-minute, romantic save. View colour images of arrangements and choose something out of the ordinary; exotic, tropical or even a suggestive cactus for the prickly person in your life. 

Techno-Romance Tip No. 10: 
If your loved one is of the feminine persuasion, send a Victoria's Secret e-gift certificate. She can choose her own size and neither one of you has to go lingerie shopping. Check out http://www.sexlures.com for the fisherman in your life, or discreetly send him some fancy condoms, a man's true best friend, from http://www.comeasyouare.com. 

And finally, Tip No. XXX: 
Why not send your Anthony or Cleopatra your favourite naughty Web link? Get on the same page, if you know what we're saying. 


Anti-Romance Tips 

DON'T wait till he or she gets home. Send all electronically-ordered goodies to your loved one's workplace. Symbols of your love blossom with an audience. 

DON'T order red roses for a woman unless she has specifically said that she really, really likes them. Today's ladies like a little more thought put into it. Roses are so common and, especially if accompanied by a typewritten card, she might think you send them to all the girls. On the other hand, men do like to be sent red roses -- or any thing else, for that matter. Traditionally, it is the ladies who get all the goodies for Valentine's Day, but men appreciate them, too. 

DON'T send naughty pictures to his or her workplace. Office buddies like to put them on the Internet if they find them and nobody wants to explain the "Valentine's Day Spirit" to the boss. 

DON'T be cruel. Nobody likes to hyperlink to a free or generic digital card on the Web, surrounded by advertisements, especially from someone who cares. This says: "I didn't have time AND I'm unimaginative." 

DON'T do anything too complicated to your sweetheart's computer if you don't know what you're doing. Few things will ruin Valentine's Day faster than the message: Cannot find system on disk. Or: Fatal Error. System unrecoverable.